@NakedPastor (He’s not actually naked, don’t worry) Recently said

“When one person decides they’re done with the church, and all its pressures and expectations and demands, the others have to adjust.

And it’s rarely easy.”

And that struck me. Because, even as I would label myself as someone who deconstructed and is an “exvangelical”, I feel closer to God than ever before. Over the past 5 years and the last 2 specifically, as I kissed the church goodbye, I finally began to feel free from the weight of my sin and shame. For once, the shackles that I was told would be gone with Christ, but in reality got put on and reinforced with the modern church, actually were eradicated from my life.

In the book, “The Cure”, by Bill Thrall, Bruce McNichol, and John Lynch, I remember finally seeing what a life without the weight of ourselves could look like. And it painted the picture of Jesus in a new way, never sad or mad at us, and never threatening Hell (The book does believe in Hell.). And now that I abandoned the church, I finally feel the point of “The Cure”. I guess the problem is, I don’t know if there’s room for Jesus as I knew him anymore, or even as the book described.

See, I really struggle when Christians tell me I never believed. Or any ex-Christians, that they didn’t actually believe in God. For some, certainly they didn’t. But for many of us, God was our entire world and was the first noun we consulted for any decision we ever tried to make. And I realize the Bible does say that the ones who fall away never really believed. But as a self-proclaimed apostate, it’s no longer possible for me to use the Bible as a reference to universal truth.

Because, when I got to Multnomah University I didn’t stop believing in God, but I stopped being able to believe in men, and subsequently the Bible written and canonized by men, and subsequently the church controlled by men. (I’m using men, because that’s how the Bible refers to humanity in “approved” translations. But, it has duality because actual men have dominated the control of the church to this day and canonized the Bible.)

In History of Christianity, we learned about the Council of Nicea who ‘may’ have decided the Canon of the Bible (if not them, then the Catholic Church prior to Luther, or various leaders of nations, so yikes either way) and the then-current translation approved to read. And while I think this was to reinforce my belief of the Holy Spirit guiding men, it made me severely doubt these men were without any sort of personal or political motivation in what would be taught to the world going forward. And just like we know that whoever writes history gets to choose the heroes and villains, the same has to be true about the canonization of ancient religious texts. 

Mark Driscoll, and any pastor who preaches a similar ideology (which is the majority of churches, even with the more progressive denominations growing) ruined the church for me. Even if I could agree with the ideology, which I can’t anymore, the mindset that Driscoll embodied in branding the pulpit to the Pastor became the dominating style of how churches operate on mass. Virtually every church is a capitalized production centered around the main guy or occasional gal who preaches the most. 

And for some churches, the brand looks kinder because they are able to be vulnerable, yet it’s still the brand used to woo people inside. But for more even still, it’s a lot of Mini-Driscolls that are obsessed with the behavior of people and righteous gender roles. (No, I’m not making a statement on my beliefs around gender or roles)

For Driscoll specifically, even after the fall of Mars Hill, I remember hearing disappointed tones but high praise for what Driscoll had accomplished. And certainly, as at most churches, there were good things that happened to many people at Mars Hill. There were absolutely people who genuinely felt closer to God based on Driscoll and the leadership culture at Mars Hill, just like at many Mini-Driscoll brands. But there was an extreme amount of certainty that Driscoll had accomplished good things and had been speaking the truth, even if he had lost a lot of followers. Those followers never believed anyways, right?

And looking back in hindsight it’s so obvious, in perfect 20/20, that Driscoll was not the leader that should have been platformed and praised. Almost as strikingly obvious as Jamarcus Russell being a massive bust in the NFL. And sadly, this is true for so many pastors that fall, and so many more that don’t. Driscoll’s rhetoric and behavior to the public eye was enough to disqualify him already from being a pastor by basic biblical principles. It really shouldn’t have taken his personal life and church culture being exposed to have sent him packing.

When I finally listened to the Rise and Fall of Mars Hill, especially after deconstructing and trying to reconstruct, I had an immediate fear and realization that Mike Cosper was right in the podcast when he said something along the lines of “Christians are choosing pastors whose charisma outpaces their character.”. And not only was Cosper right, but he was actually giving a dire warning to evangelicals about the direction they were headed with leadership in the church.

And, honestly, leadership in America…there’s a whole bunch of people who would enact Trump’s policies, keep war away, and are significantly more deserving based on life alignment with evangelical voters.

During the real-life rise of Mars Hill I often was told that Driscoll was a little too brash and definitely cussed too much, but said some things that needed to be said and was pretty solid theologically. The rhetoric seemed genuinely happy that someone was saying the things others weren’t and that we “the church” could ride his coattails and use his words in a more gentle fashion in our own communities. We seemed certain he was speaking truth and we would be able to make it more digestible. It was our brand.

Sadly, this is strikingly similar to the candidate with the largest base of voters ever gathered. There must be a reason the God of the Old Testament had Israel make monuments all the time, and certainly, He was right. Those who forget history or don’t learn it, are doomed to repeat it. I fear that Christians don’t realize that the blending of Church, Brand, and Trump has already lost the ones who never believed, and is losing the ones who still do. 

The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill was clear, after it fell. Maybe we should have built a monument.

I didn’t stop believing in God. And Multnomah didn’t liberalize me in the way college was supposed to. But it ruined my belief in the modern-day, capitalized, brand-based church. And it made it impossible to believe in the Bible

I find a lot of love and great acts of service in the church, and I do believe in an idea of god (intentional little g). And I did fall away because of “church trauma” or bad leadership, or false teaching, or whatever phrase evangelicals like, but I still believe. I just don’t want the Jesus that has a high probability of being told to us like a 2000 year journey of the typical youth group game of telephone. 

The Poisoned Tree of the Church is dead at the roots. And Man (in duality), even killed the ground, we are worse than before.