Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

My life journey feels almost entirely centered around love. I loved love and I knew I loved love very early. The disappointment of not having parents who loved one another was motivation to never let the same happen to myself, my marriage, or my children (ouch). From the time I was 4, I remember dreaming of my wedding day and the joy I would have of being so deeply in love with my wife. It was one of the core and foundational desires I wanted. As I grew older I had a huge desire to be married young because I loved the idea of building a life together and making the marriage deeply unique to one another (although, in hindsight, part of that was because I was a purity-culture Christian who couldn’t have sex without a marriage). In high school, one of my life goals for Advisory Class was “To get married” and when I received $4000 at age 17 for my shitty Ford Ranger somebody totaled, I knew I was saving it for an engagement ring one day. And I used the entire amount for exactly that.

At 13, when I knew I wanted to be a middle-school youth pastor I knew I loved kids (despite being one of the same age) because I felt like I could read the reasoning and intention behind our actions so easily from 6th-8th grade. I knew we all wanted love from others on a fundamental level. Serving at youth group was never performance-led, even if it devolved into that often. When my chance at earning a Pastoral job was removed, I immediately started working at a middle school and with full pride and arrogance, became the teacher my students will remember at 85 years old for impacting their life. Even now, pursuing my Teaching Degree is based on a core love for 6th-8th grade students and a desire to love them where they are and help them work through the emotional and relational disasters that is middle school. 

When I began consciously calling myself a Christian around 10-11 years old, it was mainly a performance for safety from my anxiety of knowing I felt different or believed a lot differently from my family. But, I was deeply attracted to the idea of a loving relationship with a creator God. On a core level, I believed in intelligent design, and perfect love is a lovely offer. And while Christians who would verbalize “I’m not religious, I have a loving relationship with Jesus” made me want to vomit and smack them with a hammer, they weren’t incorrect at what they were trying to receive. Yet even still, having been spiritually abused and wanting no part of Western-Christianity anymore, I find myself deep-diving into spirituality, Jesus, and ancient religions in hopes of finding the truth of the love that the bible speaks; but Christianity fails to offer. 

The first line of this post was written by Taylor Alison Swift from her song ‘Peace’ in her album Folklore. The song is truly a masterpiece at painting someone who is aware of the realness and depth of the love they are offering but acknowledges and verbalizes the shortcomings they bring. When I hear the line “Will it be enough if I can never give you peace?” I hear the cry of an emotionally intelligent and aware person seeking unconditional love in return for the same, simultaneously acknowledging their inner healing still to be done. The lack of peace is where the unconditional part must come in. And when she sings “People think this love is for show, but I’d die for you in secret” it rings true in my heart for the people I would give my life for, in secret. I wouldn’t have ever died for Jesus in secret but for my son and the girls I’ve loved before I would.

‘Peace’ is just one example of Taylor Swift discussing love in a real and not angry ex-girlfriend kind of way. And it’s songs like ‘Peace’ that initially and consistently speak the words of the emotions so many Swifties have felt, but never been able to quite say, that continually grow our love and admiration for Taylor. 

Growing up, Ms. Swift was 7 years older than me and her maturity has far outpaced mine the entire way, sadly she’s too old for me. At least she has Travis, he’s a close second. But, this outpacing actually helped me love Taylor more, especially as a man. When I speak with women Swifties, the majority were experiencing the emotions Taylor was singing about in real-time, or they had recently experienced those feelings. She offered proof that they weren’t alone on this ridiculous journey as young people and that they were worthy of the love they wanted and offered. As a male Swiftie, I didn’t quite relate to the emotional experience Taylor was singing about before the Red and 1989 Albums. But, I did hear the sadness and the honest love Taylor was experiencing. When songs like ‘Enchanted’ became popular I dreamed of being loved in the same way. Her voice aging like a fine wine and my desire to be in deep love one day was enough to hook me as a fan, but not a committed Swiftie. 

When ‘All Too Well’ was released I fell hard for Taylor and I knew I was probably a Swiftie for life but the Red album wasn’t fully relatable to me. Again, I knew I wanted a love that Taylor was speaking of but preferably without the heartbreak of it all. 1989 offered some new criticism of childish Taylor vibes (not by me of course), but it gave words to a different aspect of love Taylor had not embraced before in song. For a hyper-Calvinist youth deeply separated from most “secularism” through performance rather than belief, I was very attracted to more of the Song-of-Solomon side of love that I had not experienced myself but knew was deeply important to the marriage I dreamt of. And a side point, those Vault Tracks for 1989 are lethal and also an aspect of love. There is no chance those were written in the same days as the original 1989 release. 

Taylor didn’t release another album until after I was married, and she didn’t release it until after I had realized my marriage was ill-fated and not the love we dreamed of with one another. My love for Taylor never died, but Reputation offered an album I could almost entirely not relate to even as the majority of Swifties loved it and its meaning. The Rep Tour was still an absolute treat to attend and the comeback from Taylor was spectacular in its own right, the renewal of her career and the beginning of her business acumen to shine. Reputation is still an album of love, but based on my experiences I failed to realize much of its emotional implications until later. 

When Lover hit the scene, it felt like true Taylor Swift. The country twang was not back, but a re-emerged starry-eyed love was, and every song on the album helped paint part of the picture or a picture of deep romantic or familial love. It’s at this point when the “she only sings about ex-boyfriends” criticism became fully unfounded. ‘Lover’ the song, on the album, paints the picture of the flexibility of what love can look like in a relationship uniquely built by one another, together. ‘Cornelia Street’ then expresses a realization of what power your partner now has if they were to ever not be there, and the sadness that would force you to avoid their memories. ‘All of The Girls You Loved Before’ came out later but still rings true as the type of love you hope your partner has for you, and the “But I love you more” line is both spectacular and painful.  It was an album perfect for my inner child and it honestly forced thoughtful and painful reflection on my life and the hope that was not. Lover loves love and it was a reminder that I loved love, when I needed it, during my loss of it for the church. 

The Folklore and Evermore wombo-combo is not when Taylor Swift proved she was the Shakespeare of our time, that was years prior. But, it was when she devastatingly detailed the thoughtful reflection of a hope of, being in, and death of; Love. This Taylor Swift was profound and verbalizing any person’s deepest sadness in love with another as it ends, or fails, or is realized to fail. Further detailing the torment of others after failed love and the eventual healing that is expected to take place. Singing ‘Happiness’, from “I haven’t met the new me yet” to “There will be happiness after you” to “You haven’t met the new me yet” and finished with “Oh, leave it all behind…and there is happiness”. The types of words that you know are true in your soul either in a failing but formerly loving relationship, or after one. It does not at all discredit the pain or the healing, but simply acknowledges there is room to go. 

The one-two punch could have its own entire post dedicated to it. For Folklore, you can go from ‘The 1’, to ‘Cardigan’ and ‘August’, and ‘Mirrorball’ and ‘Peace’, and you’ll get an array of what true love lost feels like, to an awareness of oneself in relationship. Evermore is an abundance of love and outpouring of what being swept away in love feels like, starting with ‘Willow’ “Rough on the surface but you cut through like a knife” and ‘Ivy’ “putting roots in my dreamland. My house of stone, your ivy grows and now I’m covered.”. But the album sharply transitions to pain and healing of losing that same love, where it’s not bittersweet lost love but painful love lost in ‘Tolerate It’ “I know my love should be celebrated but you tolerate it” and to ‘Happiness’ (referenced earlier) and ‘Evermore’ “I had a feeling so peculiar, this pain wouldn’t be for evermore.”. 

Having that lethal duo arrive during the realization of my failed love and amidst the turmoil helped in the reflection, processing, and growth needed to move forward during and after. Folklore and Evermore don’t speak to me in the same ways they did then, but they do offer a quality reminder of the peace that is to come after times of love lost or lost love. 

Midnights was from a new perspective of self-love and growth and brought back fun Taylor. Strikingly more assertive and less theoretical than the previous albums, Taylor was assured of how love had impacted her and who she was in the goodness and sadness of it all. ‘You’re on Your Own Kid’ is a top 5 all-time, and ‘You’re Losing Me’ and ‘Hits Different’ both hit differently but ring deeply and profoundly true. ‘Snow on the Beach’ and ‘Maroon’ acknowledge the painful side of love and the power partners hold to hurt each other. ‘Anti-Hero’ and ‘Bejeweled’ acknowledge the need for growth and simultaneously loving oneself. For me, Midnights didn’t quite come at the moment I could feel the extent of the feelings Taylor wanted to provoke, but it is the album that has grown on me the most as love has come and gone in my life. 

The Tortured Poets Department (TTPD) is a continuation of the sadness and beauty of the experience of love from a bittersweet perspective but one that accepts responsibility and control of how to move forward and acknowledges the worth we have. TTPD came for me, with an extreme expectation of exactly what it was. It’s hard to rank TTPD objectively, it became and still is growing as the most relative-to-my-life and hardest to listen to album Taylor has ever put out. TTPD came immediately after love lost and immediately before lost love. I experienced both sides of TTPD at the same time and I credit Taylor Swift for helping me with the painful experience of both, as starkly different as they were. Being ‘So Long, London’ for one and becoming ‘Peter’ for another. The level of pain and joy in this album is unlike any music I have experienced before, probing deep reflection where I’ll routinely re-read the manuscript.  

I promised a Taylor Swift post 9 months ago, but I had to let that baby cook in the oven to figure out what I wanted to say. I love Taylor Swift, and I love Taylor Swift because I have always loved and admired love. At the beginning of this post, I tried to establish three areas of love I deeply held to my core as what I need even if they are “wants”. I have always desired the deep and unique romantic love that marriage or long-term commitment offers, I have loved students and wanted to share my strengths with them, and I have loved the idea of something greater as an intelligent designer or God-like figure. All three of these areas are honestly touched on by Taylor Swift even if the most profound craftsmanship is about the painful and genuine experience of romantic love. 

And yet, among those three areas, I failed in what I had hoped to find or offer each time. I did use my $4000 to buy a ring, but I ended up divorced 6 years later. I set out to love on students as a youth pastor and never once worked for a church and only spent two years in a classroom. I devoted my entire life from 12-24 to God, volunteering 8000+ hours for church, and being in community with Christians now to oppose the majority of what church stands for. The sadness and grief of failed love eventually led to a suicide attempt and subsequent hospitalization. If anything, I proved to myself that the only thing you can do is take the next step today in the right direction, and love will ebb and flow as you go, the beauty of love is the coming, the going, and the staying of it. Some love is meant for a time and others for all time.

While I do credit my therapists, some medication, and family and friends for my growth and healing. I mainly credit Shelby and Taylor Swift. The love that I loved for others and wanted to receive was never for myself. Partly due to the church telling me I was depraved and sinful and nothing good was in me, but also a belief that I had nothing to offer at my core. After all, I had failed in the three areas I see love abound most in life. But, Taylor Swift and her thoughtful probing mixed with love lost and becoming ‘Peter’ in lost love proved to me both the strengths and weaknesses I need to assert and improve. And the reflection of Taylor, and leaving the church had me pondering for years; led me to a deep love for myself and the love I give others with an awareness of my worth for the first time in my life. 

I think there is something to be said about the striving to be like Jesus compared to the striving of humans to properly love other humans. I find a decent amount of truth in the bible still, and I heard a lot about love at church, and love can be found at church, but it feels conditional; the opposite of intended. 

Meanwhile, I see great acts of love displayed and verbalized without condition by the people the church believes have a wrong sense of love. The pursuit of being like Jesus isn’t wrong, in fact, it’s probably a good pursuit, but I see more raw and vulnerable acts of love from secular humans loving other humans than I found at church. I see genuinely real and authentic love in Taylor’s music and in the love expressed outside the realm of Christianity. 

I had long believed that the most important question in my own life was “Who/What is God?”. I still believe it’s an important question, but I think it’s part of the bigger question I want to uncover about offering and receiving the maximum amount of honest and unconditional love available to us. The Great Commandment is that, at the core.

‘Cause love’s never lost when perspective is earned