I was talking with one of my friends recently, and I said, “Your emotional intelligence can’t be stronger than your spiritual intelligence; the two are completely linked, and spirituality has to be a profoundly emotional experience.” And while I truly believe those words at a core and fundamental level, they weren’t mine. Credit to Dr. Jay Held, my program professor at Multnomah University. I credit a lot of things I say and believe to the guidance, counseling, and teaching I received from Jay. I really love that guy. 

The Pastoral Ministry program was not what I expected when I got to Multnomah, albeit I learned about the school two weeks before attending and knew that a Youth Ministry degree was not valuable to church long-term. I really did expect the Pastoral program to be focused on preaching and organizational leadership and maybe how to run some tricky situations, and it was; mildly. Instead, I lucked out. Jay really took the handful of people blowing $90K on that specific degree program and gave us a lot of real-life value. In the least corny of ways, I believe Jay was teaching us how to be men with vulnerability and accountability for our own hearts, but that’s unfair to the women who took the program and those of us who didn’t learn, or took an extra 3-6 years to understand or apply (yay me). In a better way to say it, I think Jay tried to teach us to Shepherd our own hearts and minds before we ever attempted to do the same for others. I may not use the degree in my career, but I use it all the time in my life, even now outside the Church. 

Maybe it was less my understanding of the teaching that took a while to apply because I’ve always profoundly valued Jay and what he taught me. You could tell his words were true the moment he said them. Kinda like when your dad says something you instantly know is true, and he seems like the wisest man you’ve ever met; you can feel the truth in your soul. Rather, I think it was more likely my lack of understanding about myself and trying to apply it to a mask rather than to me. After all, “Most people know how to navigate their bedroom in pitch blackness better than they know themselves.” (Dr. Jay Held, PM101, 09/2015).

Learning myself has been an interesting process and bittersweet the whole time. One of the problems I had for a couple of years when I started therapy was feeling like I had already done the emotional and mental work of digging into myself and applying tools to the areas of my life needing work. I had already graduated from Multnomah and was basically counseled and taught for 3 years in intense spiritual and emotional experiences. I felt like I had already done the work and had the tools to be an emotionally mature man, and now, when I needed therapy to help, it was offering nothing new. The tools therapy offered felt like I HAD learned them and HAD used them my whole life. And I wasn’t wrong; I already had the emotional tools in my toolbelt. I had done alot of work to build them and acquire them so young. 

It was at this same time I stopped attending church, and it took a long time to see that my tools were valid but that I had used the tools to excavate my mask and make it more comfortable rather than excavating myself. I spent years developing and using the tools to shape the version I felt others loved about me, rather than the version I loved about me. I also finally realized that those tools I had were cloaked in religious language and organized spiritual acts. Which is not to say that my tools were bad or that religious cloaking is wrong, it just was no longer relevant to me. My counselors had a hard time identifying the gap I was having with using healthy strategies that I wasn’t implementing because I already knew I had tried them, and they “hadn’t worked on me,” just my mask. I had a hard time identifying why I felt like I had heard what they were saying before, and like I had already done and been doing the things to help me feel better with my depression. It was brand new using the tools without a religious framework to define it and actually accept that I wasn’t the holier-than-thou person I believed, thank god. 

It was only after I left the church that I felt like I’ve experienced the full effects of the tools I learned at Multnomah. Maybe the most important lesson I learned from Jay, likely planting the seeds for where I am today, was that God wants you to be you. Authors like John Ortberg and Bill Thrall drove this point home in a Christian context inside the church and its essence, but I see this belief universally true amongst almost all backgrounds. School drove this belief home from the time I was in Kindergarten; I was unique and needed to love the parts that made me, me. Multnomah reinforced it, and virtually every message I received from parents and authority figures was that I was unique and special; that we all are unique and special individuals inhabiting common areas where we unite on our similarities and should celebrate the differences.

 Both sides of the political spectrum celebrate diversity when it’s evident in their parties, when unique individuals represent the common ideas they’ve established belief in. The LGBT community thrives on individuality and uniqueness, and part of the fundamental root of the democratic party is that everyone from every walk of life gets an opportunity for success fair to them individually. The core of the republican movement is that you, as an individual, can pull yourself up and have all the power to use your skills, strengths, and interests to generate a fantastic outcome for yourself and those you love. I believe both sides of the political spectrum value individuality, and it’s a universal truth evident among the Church too. 

But, I sense there is a problem for the Church with the message of identity preached to followers; not aligning with true emotional and spiritual intelligence, or the message of individuality expressed in the Bible. That’s not to say that Republicans aren’t aloof to privilege effecting outcomes or that Democrats wouldn’t bankrupt the country on social programs overnight. For both parties, they love individuality when it is followed by complete adherence to the code. While party intentions are based on individuality, both preach a tribalistic group identity. Similarly, the Church asks you to deny yourself and become part of the group identity in Christ. You no longer have an identity beyond Jesus and your relationship with him; you are a “new creation.”.

Group Identity isn’t inherently bad and should be celebrated and respected. They hold entire cultures, practices, beliefs, and ways of life. But in the same way we saw tensions heat to nearly unbearable points during BLM protests/riots and strong abrasive opposition from Anti-Vaxxers to mandates, the Church boiled its group identity into individual sects of denominations and beliefs. At some point, churches on a wholescale stopped working together and began working in somewhat parallel lines, rarely crossing paths again. Even at Westside when I was growing up, I remember hearing that we were allowed to serve with West Valley Nazarene but not worship together because that would be accepting of their “poor” or different beliefs. The denomination game within Christianity is inherently tribalistic. It centers around identity based on beliefs of the church or its network, robbing the impact of what the only-spoken-of-in-theory “Universal Church” actually could be. 

The group identity in Christianity takes on the same group identity form that BLM or Anti-Vaxxing communities take on. They use an expression of common belief amongst individuals to promote a sense of group belonging but punish variations from the originating common belief. Once the group identity is formed, variations in thinking are denied, but variations in expression are celebrated to prove the belief has diversity amongst its followers. Group identity can rob the individual of the allowance to deviate or troubleshoot because it requires strict adherence to the group code. Once the group convinces you that your identity is nothing more than the groups you belong to, your individuality is no longer individual and unique. 

This is easily discernable even on TikTok for both BLM and Anti-Vaxxers, the BLM voices that skirt the line between full-victim mindsets and also needing accountability are shut down and told they aren’t part of their own group. Anti-Vax crowds in favor of pumping our chickens full of chemicals 20 years ago now all favor an entire rework of the FDA and additives, and anyone calling that out or asking for compromise is not “American” or, at least, not true Republican. 

Church likely could’ve been a shield to the political identity game that has been going on for the entirety of Gen X and Millenial lives. (Boomers are right; things were different back then politically and spiritually, and maybe for the better in some ways. But they weren’t the creators of it, and they were also the ones who ruined it.). The Church instead chose to insert itself directly in the middle of it (Thanks Billy Graham), and to some degree it makes sense. The Bible inherently tells you of your new identity in Christ when you join up, but the Church molded that to mean that we had no identity as an individual and we shouldn’t love anything about ourselves because anything good we did wasn’t our own, but because of Christ. 

In the same way BLM or Anti-Vax crowds self-regulate and punish their own for deviating (wonder why Liz Cheney is only loved by democrats and Tulsi Gabbard by republicans?), the Church does too. On the Steven Furtick and Micahn Carter level you only get to preach if they are absolutely certain about what you’ll say. For the smaller level of churches, larger than 150-200, but not mega by any means, they operate in similar ways with their High-Level preaching teams ensuring accuracy to the institutional beliefs of their church or denomination. But, at virtually every level of the church, if you as a Pastor or leader disagree with some of the authority-positioned elders or just don’t operate how they want, you’ll be removed almost overnight and usually in ugly ways.

While many churches prove this point virtually all the time I think Westside and its plants provided perfect examples with Josh Cavallo and Nic Natale, and a whole lot of lesser-known worship leaders and pastors. Westside’s ship was sinking before Rick left, and while they might not be sinking anymore, it doesn’t mean they’re facing the right way. Josh “left” on pretty awful terms and Westside knew even then it was their fault, the treatment from Westside and its people was pretty vindictive. Nic said on his hiring day “I’m going to keep pushing open doors until I’m told to close them.” to which everyone in the room looked at Rick to see the frustration over that statement. Nic went on to do just that before “leaving” to go back to his hometown, after the church was constantly embroiled in rumors about Nic and Rick disagreeing. 

How many more church leaders and worship directors have Westside, SunValley, Harvest, and Restoration burned through over disagreements that the church wins each time? 

It’s not just church leaders, and it’s not just about theological or doctrinal points. I’ve watched churches simultaneously shame the man who cheats on his wife 100+ times but let him keep leading worship because he says the right things while shaming the woman for no longer wanting to attend with her Ex-Husband on stage. People like myself who had serious problems with church operations or leader actions were immediately disregarded and removed from serving. Even people who are faithful and committed have been removed for lesser sins because of their “appearance”. I’ve said before that Pastors have the same problems as politicians, they have to meet a level of behavior and rhetoric at all times that is likely unattainable, and yet they fake it instead of being honest.

Less than 1% of Pastor and Elder teams likely actually meet the qualifications laid out for them in full. Sadly, the Church leaders have to facilitate adherence to the standard and there is a level of outside-appearance and commitment required for any service role in most churches. Just like politicians, they distance themselves from those who don’t fit their group identity.

The group identity of the church or individual groups of churches gave way to extreme judgment for those believing slightly differently. And it had to. If Christian leaders didn’t make judgments about what their volunteers and leaders believed, then they risked running off the course the lead teaching pastor believed was right. Church attendees had the judgment mentality reinforced regularly ever since the Church directly inserted itself into wartime, debates about politics, masculinity/feminity, and gay/abortion rights following the loss of its fight to maintain slavery.  Everything that wasn’t Christian was “from the devil”; dressing up nicely was godly, smoking cigarettes was not. 

There was a clear distinction between good and evil in the Bible, and adhering to the Church’s group identity was proof that you were trying to live godly. Smoking, drinking, or going with girls who do were clear signs you weren’t following God. (I’m happy to have flipped those dating prerequisites on their head).

As Boomer leadership has begun to fade out of the church, the rigid behavioral guidance to fit the group identity has changed and softened to a degree. Women leaders certainly are more prominent than before, but it’s still something you might “go to hell” over. And while some specific stances have softened, the need to adhere to the group identity has actually grown, which is likely thanks to the divisive lines Obama/Trump have sown. More than ever before, and for at least a few years now, settling on an ideological side like Democrat/Republican, Religious/Not-Religious, or Affirming/Non-Affirming has become more prominent to our identity than ever. 

I think the prominence not only takes away the individual identity for group identity but also degrades the ability of discourse and vulnerability. Being a Yakima native transplant in Portland for the last 9 years, I developed a chaotic blend of political beliefs. I could have lovely conversations with my Portland Teacher friends based on our beliefs over Women, LGBT rights, and Education but immediately have a whole host of accusations about my beliefs thrown at me when I verbalized my distrust of the BLM agenda. Accusations about beliefs entirely unrelated to the one we even discussed. The belief in group identity as stronger than individual identity immediately harmed the discourse because I supported something mostly Trump-Voters supported. 

Likewise, back in Yakima, I can just as easily have the most fun conversations about how to fix the deficit and how minimum wage is a tool of big business and not actually beneficial for individuals, but watch as people stop sharing and begin accusing after I vocalize a negative opinion about Trump sexually assaulting a woman.

Both groups cast out their own the moment they feel the group identity is not being properly idolized, usually on fear-based projections of someone adhering to the other side. It’s tribalistic and likely why compromise hardly exists in politics anymore. 

The Church, of course, does the same. The group identity adherence has shut down discourse between churches of significant disagreement and impacted both service and worship ability. Attendees who share strongly different beliefs are often pushed out until they find a different church that fits. Many miss out on volunteering opportunities because they’re too Armenian or Calvinist or too wishy-washy on LGBT support. It has shut down reasonable discourse and allowed most Christians to tune out their brains on their spirituality, opting for ideological statements from their pastors as the fundamental of their faith. While Christians have always been tribalistic amongst themselves with their beliefs, especially the reformed crowd, they have now become tribalistic with those they claim to be trying to save. The same Evangelicals that criticized Biden for not bringing unity now support the slogan “Take America Back” as if 50% of the country is not American. 

The commitment to group identity has degraded individuality to nearly meaningless expression and discourse to full-blown oppositional assumptions. When the Church trades discourse and who God wants us to be for rhetoric and ideology, they restrict the growth of emotional and spiritual intelligence in their institution and attendees. The individual relationship with Christ IS the meat of the spirituality Christians preach, but it’s not what they are producing. 

If God exists, he wants you to be you.

If god doesn’t, I promise that you want to be you.